In honor of recently adopted looser gun controls, the National Rifle Association and several premiere athletes and rappers hosted a firearm fashion show for the ages in an exclusive ballroom in the Hollywood foothills. In order to connect with a newer but receptive audience, the NRA looked for some unlikely spokespersons and solicited several hip-hop artists either slated for jail time on gun charges or recently released on probation.
Asked for his thoughts on the endorsement alliance between notorious press figures like Lil Wayne, Gilbert Arenas and gun lobbyists, NRA president Ron Schmeits remarked “It ain’t trickin’ if ya got it, frankly. The rap community has long been a vocal advocate of creative gun violence and willing trigger fingers. I’m surprised this didn’t happen sooner.”
NBA star JaVale McGee
As the sun set over the lavish banquet hall, NBA and NFL players each arrived with 2-3 dozen of their entourage in tow. Rather than halting for the now customary pat-down at the door, players like Javale McGee of the Washington Wizards nervously walked past the velvet rope as invited guests.
Although league commissioners David Stern and Roger Goodell could not be reached for comment on the private event, their respective Public Affairs officers issues pre-recorded voicemails that they would be “out of town” as word of the gala reached press outlets late that evening. Amid the hoopla surrounding the recent arrests and convictions of Mr. Mane and Mr. Wayne, some attendants were unsure of how the event might be received by more “traditional” friends of the Second Amendment in Congress.
“Because, let’s be honest,” added an unnamed contributor, “if we knew that guns would be this popular in the African-American community, I don’t think any of us would have signed on.”
Rough transitions notwithstanding, many NRA members were happy to mingle alongside Billboard chart-toppers and ball-playing dynamos. In fact, the organization’s treasurer and Gilbert Arenas were observed sharing a few puns after the latter’s keynote address entitled “Never Met A Shot I Didn’t Like.”
The palatial setting was offset by some atypical furnishing once the runway portion of the event began. Models decked in teflon swimwear and high-heeled boots outfitted with sheer nylon holsters clomped down the runway with guns drawn as several members of T.I.’s Grand Hustle Entertainment stood double-fisting red plastic cups of NuVo, and pointing at the garish gun gear. Not only that, but a life-sized replica of deceased NWA front man Eazy E also hovered over the hors d’oeuvre spread of finely minced goose liver pate.
Republican Party Chairman, Michael Steele, proclaimed the soiree an all-around success, arguing that liberals were unwilling to meet misunderstood athletes and rappers halfway.
“I think what we’ve found here is a common ground, and one that should be exploited even more than it has been in years past,” Steele offered as he brushed past Adam “PacMan” Jones’s intimidatingly bulging bulletproof tuxedo.
“Yea, shawty, dew as I say — not as I dew. Some guns make your life much harder in the long run, but others, like this semi-automatic Beretta, will give you unimaginable power on the block. Just remember, with great power come EBEN greater ’sponsibility.”
Editor’s Note: If you haven’t guessed, this is a satire, and thus completely fictional. It’s meant to be completely over the top and ludicrously false– but given today’s current events, we wouldn’t be surprised if you took it as the real thing.
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